CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH SIMPLE QUESTIONS

Photo by Ana Municio via unsplash.com

Once, I was teaching at a recreational vehicle corporation with some sales reps in Canada. I stood in front of about 40 reps, explaining towing regulations and how they varied from state to state.

Can you see the mistake I made?

Yes! Canada has provinces, not states.

You may say, “Big deal. They knew what you meant.”

Yes, everyone in the room knew what I meant, but the ten Canadian sales reps in front of me already felt like the ugly stepchildren. Because they lived and worked outside the U.S., they often received company announcements later than the other reps. They had to make the extra effort to fly to events in the U.S. where company meetings were held. Someone who was supposed to be their advocate (me!) left them out again by not including their most basic geographic language.

I was so glad someone pulled me aside and pointed out my mistake. Okay, I was also embarrassed and had to work hard not to beat myself up. But, afterward, we had the most fruitful discussion, and I had the opportunity to facilitate a larger conversation that healed rifts that had been simmering for years.

Just because no one intended to exclude anyone doesn’t mean people didn’t feel excluded. I had to deal with the impact, not just the intent of what I said.

The sales reps could understand my intent later. First, I needed to attend to the hurt and admit how U.S.-centric I was. The Canadian sales reps were ready to accept my apology when I was honest about my insensitivity and conditioned arrogance.

Big tip when you step in it: Always deal with the impact first.

Reflecting on this experience got me thinking about how easy it is to miss how we come across to other people. Because of how most of us were raised, we can unintentionally hurt others or even discriminate against them. The point is: are we willing to learn when someone takes the time to point out our mistakes, and after that, do we behave differently?

I have learned that you may think you’re inclusive, but how others see you might differ. What’s funny is that many of us are scared to ask for feedback, but what people think of us is still there whether we ask or not. We’re like little kids who put our hands over our eyes and then think people can’t see us.

You can’t do something about something if you don’t know it’s there. How can we improve if we don’t know what to improve?

So, here’s what I’m working on: I’m seeking other people’s feedback. I’m asking people, “How am I doing on issues of race and other dimensions of diversity? What am I missing? What don’t I ‘get’? Have I done anything to offend you?”

Then, I listen and take in their insights. I’ve discovered that my confidence increases when I say, “That was my mistake,” and “I can do better.” Life is better without the wasted energy of keeping up a false front.

• If you know someone who is part of an organization that wants to focus on workforce engagement and how to tell their story, would you send this article to them or tell them about O’Halloran Diversity Productions? They can reach us at susan@susanohalloran.com and we will set up a short conversation to see if we can add value to what they do. Thanks in advance!