THE HABIT

During this holiday season, some of you may read or go see The Christmas Carol. In this play, the main character, Scrooge, bellows, “Bah! Humbug!” It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more Scrooge told himself how miserable life was, the more miserable he became. He had developed the habit of a closed, inflexible and mistrustful mind. “Habit” may seem like a strange phrase to use, but think of other habits you have, such as brushing your teeth, washing your face or combing your hair. A lot of our habits have to do with taking care of our personal appearances. Well, the internal us, our minds, need some looking after everyday as well.

When disappointments come your way, after a grieving period, check your thoughts. Do you live by scripts that tell you life is “Bah! Humbug!” or do you live by scripts that help you to keep a realistic yet open mind toward life and other people? This isn’t about being in denial of life’s hardships or playing Pollyanna, it’s just that an optimistic, bigger picture attitude allows for more possibilities.

If you read stories about people who survive hardships, such as those who survive after capsizing at sea, getting caught in an avalanche or lost in the woods, you’ll see a pattern emerge. One thing that survivors seem to have in common is that somehow they are able to keep their minds open to the possibility of being rescued. They keep their faith alive and believe that things will eventually work out. Even though they’re in terrible situations, they allow new ideas and solutions to keep flowing through their brains.

We see through the lens of our beliefs systems. If we mesmerize ourselves with statements such as “Things will never change” or “I guess violence is inevitable” or “It’s just human nature not to get along” we’re likely to create a world that matches our deepest fears.

Someone once told me that cynics are just disappointed romantics. Sometimes the people who seem the most negative are the ones who care the most. They use their negativity to shield them from further hurts. And, let’s face it, sometimes caution and a bit of mistrust is just what’s called for.

The trick is not to get stuck, to be able to discern: is this a time for caution or a time to open to greater possibilities? If we know to expect, appreciate and address our pessimism, it won’t immobilize us. We need to know that as soon as we create a vision of what we’d like our life, our country or our world to look like, limiting beliefs will pop up. As soon as you plant a garden, weeds grow, don’t they?

Like a gardener with her hoe, we have to use imagination and creativity to weed out our limiting beliefs. We’re always going to have to weed the garden. If we tend the garden regularly, the garden will eventually flourish. After allowing myself time for a pity party when I was down last month, I started to weed out my despair and instead churn in some activating fertilizer. Imagine how my hopelessness (“Things never work out” “Nothing I do makes a difference”) changed to a sense of possibility by changing my self-talk. Here are a few activating beliefs I’m using these days:

• Real change happens out of the commitment of a few; I am one of those few.
• It’s my country. If I don’t do it who will? If not me, who?
• I educate myself and develop all the skills I need.
• The present world is a function of our thinking. If I want change, I start with myself and change my heart to a peaceful one.
• I build support person by person until I make an impact.
• I trust I will find and make my unique contribution.
• Small solutions lead to bigger solutions.
• The outcome is not my business. I do what I can do.
• Human decisions got us here. Nothing is inevitable. With intelligence and creativity, we’ll find our way.

The day-to-day (sometimes minute-to-minute) training of our minds to be open to our good strips us of apathetic malaise and puts us into the world of action, each of us then able to make our unique contribution to the cumulative process of transformation.

Q: A few of us at our college would like to perform stories around cultural differences similar to what you do in Tribes& Bridges and More Alike Than Not: Stories of Three Americans – Catholic, Jewish and Muslim. How do we get started?

A: If you are going to perform stories around race and issues of justice, be prepared for deep emotions to arise, yours and others. If you are going to work with others, besides all the difficult, nitty-gritty, normal collaboration issues of schedules and responsibilities, you will be faced with unique challenges precisely because we have been trained to keep quiet about issues of social significance.

First, talking about these issues often breaks many family rules. In order to survive, many families didn’t talk about what they’d been through. For example, after the Holocaust, the internment camps, the Boarding Schools, the Jim Crow mistreatments and lynchings, many parents enforced an unspoken, yet deeply felt, “No talk” agreement.

Speaking the unspeakable as well as even attempting multicultural colleagueship can feel like a betrayal to the people and communities from which we come. As you collaborate and discuss the care and nurturing of your audiences, you must do the same for each other.

Our hurts run deep. Tears will be shed; memories and, therefore, creation can be blocked; doubts will continually surface. We have to have a long and large love for our stories, our country and each other to keep going. Opening the wounds is never pleasant, but healing happens in the light of day.

However, open the wounds gently, gently, gently. Ground rules around support, communication styles and the like are essential. As in any relationship, talking out fears, limitations, preferences and visions beforehand can help make the uncovering process easier. Still, if you are hitting the true repressed veins of our individual and communal psyches, I would imagine your team will experience some of the things we did: fitful sleep, times of “I can’t do this,” and moments of incredible connection and freedom as we finally faced and spoke long-buried truths.

Good luck and let me know how I might support you!

This article may be reprinted when this full byline is used: Susan O’Halloran is a story artist, workshop presenter and keynote speaker whose work explores the complex (and, with Sue, entertaining) issues of social justice and valuing differences. She is an author of four books plus diversity curriculums, CDs and films. The Chicago Reader says O’Halloran “has mastered the Irish art of telling stories that are funny and heart-wrenching at the same time.” Find out more about Susan and her online classes plus download a free audio interview at: www.susanohalloran.com.

Plus, read everything you can about your subject. Learn from others in a Gettrespectful way, that is, don’t turn traditional outsiders into a project by asking a thousand questions. We need to take the responsibility to educate ourselves and be ready to share who we are. People who have been placed on the outside have enough burdens without feeling as though they are specimens under a microscope or spokesperson for their entire group We can look for ethnic film festivals or panel discussions where it’s set up for us to ask questions and the people involved are being paid for their time or, at least, voluntarily in education mode.

To tell our stories without sounding “preachy,” we need to use all the tools of the storytelling trade — suspense, humor, clear characters the audience can care about and so on. Listen to storytelling and political speeches that don’t work. Analyze when you started to shift in your seat because you felt as though you were being chastised. When does a description of a situation immobilize you with guilt and overwhelm you with its complexity and when do you feel compelled to pick up the phone, write a check or go to the meeting?